Jokes
If you've got some.....or your name is Uncle Pervey......post them in this comment area.
posted by Mr. Fitz @ 6:59 PM
WNTE
Brought to you by the Campus Broadcasters of Mansfield Teachers College / State College / University.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
WNTE
Brought to you by the Campus Broadcasters of Mansfield Teachers College / State College / University.
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12 Comments:
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
After living in the remote mountain wilderness of Western Virginia all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the Bristol stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the $3 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
The Aussie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the hog I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll
find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
More.....MORE!!!!
A plane is on it's way to Melbourne when a blonde in economy
>class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
>The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She
>then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for 'Economy' and that she
>will
>have to go and sit in the back.
>
>The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
>Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
>
>The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot
>and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class
>that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
>
>The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that
>because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy
>place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
>
>The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
>Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
>
>Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and
>that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to
>arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says,
>'You say she's blonde?'
>
>'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'
>He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says,
>"Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat
>in the economy section.
>
>The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what
>he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied,
>"I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."
Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill
The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called....
"Pre-dick-a-mints."
ZEN SARCASM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force' It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her,
"What did you steal?"
She replied,"A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them
and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her,
"How many peaches were in the can?"
She replied, "Six."
The judge then said,
"I will give you six days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and
asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
The U.S. National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 41 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit!"
Only the states of West Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Louisiana, Georgia, Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi and Texas were different, where 89.3% of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
Lois, I love it! I'm going to have to use that one.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour,
surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely.....
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
_________________
Lois, I used your joke at home and my wife laughed but I had to explain it to the kids. But I emailed it to a bunch of friends and they liked it too.
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